I See Dead People

A ghost of a memory can stroke the cerebellum, reach right past the defenses of the skull, and with ephemeral graffiti leave finger prints on the surface of memories.
With this kind of intrusion, how do we heal? Time is not necessarily the holy water needed to exorcise this spirit, nor is the eradication of passed/past memories even healthy.
I need my pain, it helps define me. Who we become is made up from scraped knees, not kissed cheeks. Yet some of these incidents so clearly grip me, I fear... Not the ghost of these memories, I fear who I will become. That what I will become will render the connections I have now to the people around me as... I don't know... Not obsolete but rather, the idea is separate. While I know I have to go this alone, and I have been, there are also times when I need help.
The events that took these memories and laid them to an unresolved rest, is perhaps why they now haunt me rather than heal me. Memories all lie to some degree in the graveyards and mausoleums of our minds. We visit them and lay flowers at their markers, respecting what they were.
So as events unfold that defile the graves of these memories, those past/passed events become poltergeist, looking for proper re internment.
I want to be strong, to be the black clad defeater of evils, the one who saves the day, for myself and for those around me. And many times and for some I am that person. Yet all my arsenal cannot grasp the now ephemeral nature of those events. Once known, and peaceful, now writhing, Dickensesqe harbingers asking for something...something...

It seems now that I need a hero, it is not to my liking, no man wants to be weak, though in my weakness I clearly observe my flaws and God's necessity. Surely this is the reason for the visitation and the ghosts apparent gaunt and gallow demeanor. To accent God's full and living pallor. Yet God's apparent lack of intrusiveness has lent the impression of dis concern. Leaving myself with the feeling no one believes in the specters I see.

Most people say that those ghosts aren't real, don't fear, it's the wind and the branches outside, yet these things are real. No illusions, not smoke and mirrors. Actual, corporeal qualities lend Credence (and Clearwater and Revival?) to the claim I make.

Real enough to be obvious to those who are not victims to the phantasmagorical display. In these scenarios, the bad characters get killed off, one by one, the good ones, beleaguered and bewildered, often blood soaked, make it out alive.

The "good ones"... when they are done... Then the cycle starts again... I am a good man at heart, I want to believe that, though like hard work or attractiveness one can not liberally douse themselves with those designators, so if I am...I am, yet in my experience, the humble and hardworking, the good, end up doing all the work, getting less credit, and are looked over till the end of the dance.

So I see my ghosts, and I know the cause for their unrest, yet to react to them will only cause me to be seen as crazy, or detract from the relationships I have come to cultivate as important.
To lay these bones at rest, to stop the walls from bleeding and the house from eating it's tenants I must then take these memories and love them. Hold them close and examine them, stare them down, as it were. Remember what was and is, rather than what I wanted or pretended. Though I am left with the uneasy feeling I will see all the clues in retrospect and hate myself now for my blindness then. As well as blame those around me for not speaking up before these skeletons grew phantom muscles and began to dance to their own tunes.

Granted these are feelings, not facts, I don't presume to place whole knowledge on what I do not know, and I wont make others feet fit the footprints to my mind's path imagined. Yet I haven't seen or heard compelling evidence to refute what I have learned, which is that prayer is coveted, yet highly ineffectual to assuage this haunting. Listening has been constructive, yet not connective. And at times the enormity of starting over, recreating a life...well it is unimaginable. Like a person coming up to me and saying,

"I have seen a ghost".

Freedom

Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.
--Andre Gide


What is freedom? I believe I have devised a perfect scenario to describe the idea. To determine Freedom take a little multiple choice quiz:

WHAT IS FREEDOM:
a) The ability to do as we please
b) The absence of moral obligation
c) The absence of political restriction
d) All of the above

So what was your answer?

A) The ability to do as we please seems to be the standard ideal for freedom. Yet we cannot do as we please, if we could i would have used my pencil like Joe Pesci in "Casino" and added a neck hole or two some people who got on my nerves over the years. We also cannot shout fire in a movie theater, as much as some movies should be burned by the sheer will of those who had to suffer through them. So we do have freedom, and you chose correctly if you picked "A".

b) The absence of moral obligation, many people claim to find freedom here. The way were led to believe as children most of us in religious institutions, are ways we have difficulties to break from. Spiritual, sexual, verbal, alcohol and drug related moralities have held up many people who though a thing wrong because it was not moral. Rock-n-Roll is a great example. the early church one of our largest (still) moral watchdogs, would bash rock as devils music, forgetting that hymns in the 1920's were set to the bar tunes in taverns so as to help un-believers to follow the tune. fast forward to now, may faith institutions realize that music ic a vehicle, not a message in and of itself. so while we didn't have the freedom to rock in church then, we do now. if you are a church going type, check it out, they almost get it. If we remove moral restrictions, say on sexuality, which most people have, there are still freedoms we won't allow. Say Pedophilia (the act of an adult having sex with a minor) for example. if we reject moral obligation ,then what is wrong with a consenting 15 year old having a sexual relationship with a 45 year old man? The obvious answer is: so many f#$%ing things wrong we cannot list the all here. so a lack of moral restrictions is not exactly freedom, because it tells us laws based on morality are biased. Well Laws murder and manslaughter are derived from things like thou shalt not kill. so a lack of morals doesn't necessarily provide freedom. Yet, if you selected (B) you still answered your quiz correctly. Patience kiddos we're getting there.

c) The absence of political restriction is the other obvious choice. this of course is our British brothers and sisters punk rock anthem: anarchy! The idea of anarchy lends itself to a free for all state. it become an issue of the survival of the fittest. It is not a freedom instead it creates an atmosphere of dictatorship by might. if some one does something you don't like bash em. if they have what you want take it. there isn't freedom there, merely a new more cathartic set of rules.so if you picked (c) you are right and wrong like all the other options. one more till we get to the reveal.

d) All of the above the obvious choice because it gives the most options, therefore more freedom to be had. if you chose this you are also correct and wrong. lets look at the question again, it's a trick question.

WHAT IS FREEDOM:
a) The ability to do as we please
b) The absence of moral obligation
c) The absence of political restriction
d) All of the above

The true definition of freedom is this,
E) the ability to choose how we will limit ourselves.

You have the freedom to take the quiz, but to follow through you have to choose to eliminate other options. If you want the political freedom that America provides, you are a prisoner to its continents, if you don't believe that try getting in trouble in Tijuana and see if being American gives you the rights you have stateside.
if you want the freedom of speech, you have to let the idiots around you also speak.
If you want the freedom to sleep around you have to accept the limitations of sexual disease or responsibility of parenting.

every choice is shutting down other options and limiting what you can do.

And that is a good thing. don't go and beat yourselves up on it, we don't want to do everything, just what we want. now we have the ability to decide what we should do by how that decision will limit us and others around us.

i used to be a pastor, this musing came from a verse i read in the bible. Romans chapter 6 verse 3: it says we have been set free from sin, and made slaves to righteousness.

those are also topics of another blog. sin and righteousness, everyone has those two all dressed up like 12 year old prostitutes in Thailand. In other words all wrong.

Point is we will always have a chain around us, so what do you want to be connected to?

Rebelion

The horrors which we have seen, and the still greater horrors we shall presently see, are not signs that rebels, insubordinate, untamable people are increasing in number throughout the world, but rather that there is a constant increase in the number of obedient, docile people.

-George Bernanos

I saw a bumper sticker recently. It said "The bible said it, i believe it, that settles it!" Haha! that sure showed 'em jesus bumper sticker guy! You don't have to know what you believe in! two cars later i saw this sticker "Coexist" made up of all the different religious icons that fit the lettering, like some hippie's ransom note to society. The three or four people I personally know with coexist bumpers stickers, don't want coexistence, they want the extreme examples of those faiths to cease to exist.


The classic, or iconic view of Utopian societies depict a scenario where everyone is homogenized. The hero in those stories whether it is Metropolis, Brave New World, what have you, are the ones seen as a rebel. The ones who would question the vanilla standards, and brittle eggshell skeletons that are supposed to support the perfect future.

I can't help but think that we now have that same issue in society. It is both political correctness in its extreme and religious fervor in its self righteous blindness that are having their bar fight in media. and the eggshell skeletons are showing their signs of compound fractures.The people who believe a cause, because they fear backlash for not believing it, obedient, the others who go along because they don't want to deal with problems, and so join whichever view makes less friction for their lives, docile.

Yet Rebellion for rebellion's sake is ridiculous. It's tantrum politics and that has only given us a petulant attitude and a 4 year old's mentality that we are right because we are angry.[On either side of whichever issue is being attacked] Rebellion was created to counteract an abuse of power.

Insubordination is like pulling bricks out of the wall. you can do it but sooner or later the wall will fall on the one pulling the bricks. Rebellion counteracts an abuse of power insubordination should counteract the ignorant use of leadership/power.

Of course being Untamed is the American dream. No man mastered everyone else the bastard. Being untamed is like a wild horse, beautiful and strong and free. But of no use to anyone else. Being Untamed for us should be the ability to keep our standards while reaching goals that may not be our first priority.

Where am I going with this? We cannot complain about the problems of society without making enemies. None of us have the right to bitch and moan about anything we ourselves are not fighting for. Too often i hear how society is going to hell in a hand basket and quite frankly, i don't care. Good. lets get damned good, and ready. then we can decide how we will fall or stand. perhaps when we take responsibility for not taking responsibility we can become a little rebellious, and a little less docile.

Sheep, sheep are docile. The bible mentions the members of the church (the people who follow said doctrines of that religion) are like sheep, and Christ, its shepherd. You know sheep are dumb. that's why the shepherd has to crack them on the head wit that staff. does God wish us to move with blind faith? I think not, i believe in a god who desires us to understand and reason. a Mighty and cruel God, but good at the same time. The ideas are a contradiction, but hey, i don't get to make God what i want, god is what God is.

Political correctness [or perhaps just political-ness] then, is obedience. doing what we are told because at the time everyone else says it is right. the kind of thinking that creates so many restrictions and red tape that we never are sure how to behave without cutting off our own balls (or ovaries) first and then making sure we wrap our feet in feather pillows as we tippie toe around issues we should rightfully have our own opinions of.

Is everyone afraid to admit we are living in the grey [gray?] areas in between ambiguity and absolute?

The Rebel alliance were the Heroes of the Star Wars franchise, and the villains of the empire in that franchise. Before George Lucas F-ed up the whole series with his Prequels, we know who was good and who was bad, but in fact it was all grey area, as the story unfolds. it is never easy, the paths we take never wholly clear, but we must think and look and make calculated decisions, even in our spontaneity.

If we find a trait or problem unconscionable, we cannot then adopt that trait, in some kind of fight fire with fire mentality. We must reject that attitude of obedience and embrace informed allegiance. We cannot just be docile, but become activist in our everyday activities, not like some ass, kicking at whoever walks by its backside, but as thoughtful people who will look at two and three sides of an issue before coming to conclusions.

Then follow through. and if new evidence come though our lives we have to evaluate that evidence and see how it effects\affects our views and motives then adjust our actions accordingly.